Tuesday, August 6, 2019

In Remembrance of Morrison, Flight and Brotherhood.


8/6/19
So here I am…again for this curious process and I am not sure what to say really.  But this is not new.  So maybe I should start with the memory and unfortunate the passing of one of the greatest writers to ever grace the page, Toni Morrison.  There is nothing that I can say that hasn’t already been said.  Any attempts at trying to sound original in my remembrance of her will only sound cliché’.  So, I guess I can begin with this:  She is one of the only writers I have ever given my undivided attention.  I don’t claim to know her work extensively, although I do know it enough to be aware of its impact on my life.  I came across her work through conversations with two valuable friends.  The first was my friend Horace at a time when we were younger and hyper aware that our thoughts mattered; before we realized that there were people in the world that just didn’t care what two young black men talked about when no one else was around.  Although the context escapes me, I remember we talked about that part of Song of Solomon when she talked about the flying Africans.  And although it was a fictional tale, the thought of Africans in flight in some ancient time before slavery seemed quite possible.  We were both active artists then, in a poetry group that allowed us to travel throughout the country and meet different types of people, many of which Morrison spoke about in her works.  Although the significance of these travels had not quite solidified in our young minds, at least metaphorically, we knew flight was possible.  Words were the winds which we glided upon and we wrote them and spoke them with the full belief that they would change our lives.  Deep down I still have this belief.  In spite of my many responsibilities…fatherhood, provider, husband it is still there though dormant, it still pulsates beneath the surface of my poker face, which hides the fear of an unfulfilled life.  Horace and I have spoken about this, but it would be unfair to tell his story.  He is more than capable of telling it himself. 

Paul’s part in this tale begins with an invite and a journey to travel south to Virginia to relocate his mother who has since passed on. During the journey I also met her sister, his favorite aunt.  One of the greatest finds in the history of ones friendship with another is when he is invited into the history of another’s being.  Although much of this is a blur, I distinctly remember Paul playing my Jimi Hendrix CD on his car stereo, which sparked a conversation from these two women about the sixties and the sensibilities of those times.  Both ladies talked about the way people dressed and how they expressed themselves freely and unapologetically.  In hindsight, I think the thing that I appreciate the most is that they both tolerated my arrogance and ignorance, because back then, I thought that I was the foremost authority on all things Hendrix even though he was making music long before I was born.  It was an honor to be a part of a conversation in which I could have easily been made an outsider either because of age or blood.  But the opposite happened and I was grateful.  As I reflect on that time, I realize that I suffered from a common affliction among educated people in their twenties.  I was self-absorbed and in love with every thought that I was able to muster about people in the world.  It was a blessing to be in the company of people that would allow me to be that way without judging.  As I recall, Paul and I shared a hotel room the night before we headed back north to New Jersey to reenergize for the journey home.  This was after spending a few hours at a bar where we discovered oatmeal stout for the first time.  As we sat at the bar descending further into drunkenness we visited politics, metaphysics, relationships and family along the way.  We ended the night on our twin beds searching for something on TV and came across Charlie Rose’s interview with Toni Morrison.  I remember how intrigued we were at her words and verbally affirming how much they meant to both our lives at the time.  The way she unflinchingly addressed the problem of race as a white problem and her refusal to accept it as her problem was truly inspiring.  Although much of the content is a blur.  We can blame the stout for this.  I know that this was an event that again showed us both that flight was possible.  Paul, Horace and I have had many challenges in our lives since we discovered the brilliance of Toni Morrison.  But what we continue to learn as we get older is that flight has always been possible, no matter how old we are.  I will always be grateful to Ms. Morrison for showing me this.  May she rest in peace.

Thursday, July 12, 2018

R.I.P Mr. Manny

It's been a while since I wrote anything on this blog.  Discovered this as I was going through it. Not sure why I never published it, but here it is in memorial of Mr. Manny.


5/2/17
Today the oldest man in the world died at age 146. This means that when I was born in 1970, he was already a century old.  I wonder if a man that lives that long can ever be surprised, intrigued or impressed by what he sees.  It was reported that this man had long wanted to die, so I guess longevity is overrated. Since this man lived through many of the most triumphant and tumultuous times in the world’s history, one would think that it would’ve been fascinating or even inspiring to be a fly on the wall of his psyche while he thought his last thoughts and made his final assessments of the life he lived and the world he lived it in.  It is also possible that he could’ve just been thinking about how bad his heartburn was after that last sandwich or bowl of rice he ate.  The fact is, I’m not even sure if there is even a point to this anecdote, which ironically makes the point that this man’s long life may not have had a point either. 

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Tonight, I was also informed of another death.  His name was Mr. Manny.  It’s funny, I don’t think I ever knew his first name.  But what I do remember is he had a daughter that went to my school and although she wasn’t my best student, she had a pleasant disposition just like her dad.  She inherited his short stature and immense personality.  His was manifested in his ability to engage people.  He was one of the first people to acknowledge my presence at that school at a time when I didn’t think my presence mattered.  I suppose I could regret not ever getting to thank him for that, but I have faith that somehow, he knows…somehow.  Mr. Manny didn’t live to be a hundred and forty-six, but I know that his life mattered because he was an artist at showing others that theirs' did. And for that I will be forever grateful. May he rest in peace.

Cancer Moons


7/10/18
Today marks the end of another cycle of moon ruled birthday’s in my home.  It was opened by my son, CJ who turned eight years old on June 26th.  If I could note any change in his new year, I would have to say that he is a bit more rambunctious than he was this time last year.  I find that I often have to tell him things more than once.  I have also found that I’ve been threatening him with whoopins’ more than ever.  My parents would probably tell me to actually make good on those threats as a sign of good parenting because that’s how their generation handled things.  I get it.  And I have no regrets about most of those whoopins’.  All accept for this one time when… and then there was that other time that I won’t get into right now.  Anyway, my son’s newfound traits do reveal to me that he is developing a strong will.  The only thing that I can do as a parent is make sure that he uses that will as an asset and not a liability. He is strong, sensitive and extremely self-aware.  Right now, he’s just testing me and making sure that I am present in his life and never ever aloof.  And I will always remind him that I am up to the challenge.
My birthday was next in the Cancer birthday extravaganza and as usual, it came in like a lamb and left like a lamb, beginning in a Mediterranean restaurant and ending in a relaxing spa.  I have no complaints that it usually goes that way.  I’m not sure how I would react to a crowded room filled with people all assembled to devote at least ten to fifteen seconds of their time to wishing me a happy birthday.  The thought of it is just scary for so many reasons if you let my ego tell it. During my time at the spa, I actually did something that goes against my normal birthday routine.  I usually find time to reflect and think about what I learned. But while I was at the spa I did the opposite.  There’s something about Swedish massage that can convince a man not to think at all.  I was definitely convinced.  But no one can ever really run from their mind and mine soon caught up with me to remind me of this.  But ironically, I actually learned something worthwhile.  I learned that sometimes the mind is our worst enemy.  And suddenly that revelation was followed by another and I realized that my mind was the source of great unhappiness that eclipsed all of my light in the past year.  And finally, I realized that like the title of this blog I really do think too much!
Today, Autumn’s birthday ended the cycle of Cancer birthdays for this year. She showed that she has her father’s gift for finding the greatest joy in the simplest things on a day that she could have had anything she wanted. But all she wanted was to go to Brooklyn Bridge Park and play on the swings with her best friend Gabbi.  I watched her as she joked and laughed while getting her feet wet in the Hudson River, skipping stones and telling funny stories.  It’s the most I’ve seen her smile in a long time.  I’ve seen her sad and as a writer, I have to apologize when I say that her sadness provokes feelings in me that are outside of my lexicon. I would trade my life for the ability to abolish that sadness but I know that she will need some of it to make her strong.  The good news is that I got to be a fly on the wall in her moment of happiness; a moment that I know she will never forget. I am so grateful to the creator that I got a front row seat. I wonder if she knows that on this birthday, she gave me the greatest gift of all.  We ended the night with dinner and we all took turns sharing words of encouragement, praise and honor for Autumn as a daughter, big sister and best friend.  When my turn came I got a little tongue tied because I didn’t want my words to make her feel heavy.  I was thinking about a conversation that we had earlier in the day about her tendency to sometimes be indecisive and asking others to help her. She struggled with this issue while trying to decide how to spend her birthday. I could feel her frustration as she asked me over and over again what she should do as I calmly repeated, “whatever you want, it’s your day”.  I was happy to see that when her fear of deciding subsided, that day really did belong to her and spent it exactly the way that she wanted. I wanted to remind her to continue this behavior in the upcoming year without putting pressure on her and making the moment all weird, so when my turn came to speak I did just that.  I told her that in the year to come, she should make sure that she gives herself something that she didn’t have last year.  And then I watched my wife’s cynical face struggle not to laugh and ask me what the hell I was talking about for fear it would offend me.  It probably would have, but it would have been funny and she would’ve been absolutely right to ask. This is my second attempt.  My birthday wish for my beloved daughter is to every now and then, find the confidence to say screw the consequences, make some moves in life and most importantly, avoid daddy’s bad habit of thinking too much.
Happy Birthday Autumn!  Daddy Loves You!