Saturday, September 3, 2011

Marvels of the Midlife Universe

Men want to be superheroes. The lucky among us who shoot baskets, perform to capacity crowds or manage hedge funds are of course among the minority. The rest of us perpetually wait for the grand moment when our super powers will be dramatically revealed. We usually expect or hope that they kick in around the magical age of 40 after the vigorous training of years 1 through 39 have passed. The unfathomable wisdom of this fourth decade of our lives however, is not without a sense of irony. Without a doubt, we do transform. But, like Bruce Banner (aka The Hulk) could attest, it is never in the way we expect. Like Banner, many of us spend at least the first 20 years of our adult lives trying to tame our beastly impulses knowing fully well that after that time passes, the monster has still not left the room but at least he's wearing a tie. For example, if someone told me 20 years ago that I would be a teacher etcetera, etcetera.
Women on the other hand, are born with instant consciousness of their super abilities. It begins the moment they learn to say "dada" which works on fathers in the same way the word Shazzam! affects young Billy Batson. It is the serum that transforms ordinary men into super soldiers assigned to protect their little girls to the death and beyond. But if the soldier has super hearing during this critical period, he can actually pick up his beloved princess telling him that although she appreciates his protection, she would really like him to teach her to take care of herself so she can someday conquer half the world and get her man to conquer the other half whenever she gets tired or bored. I realize that this makes her sound more like a super villain, but I guess it just depends on your view of Beyonce'.
If I could give my fiance' a superhero name it would be "The Womb"; ABLE TO GIVE BIRTH TO TWO AMAZING CHILDREN!" And while the world stands stupefied waiting to hear the remaining list of her abilities she would roll her eyes and place her arms gently akimbo and with subtle sarcasm say "Did, you really think I needed to say more?” And after the 23 seconds it takes for the moment to wear off, a reporter would ask: "well is there any thing special you can do with your womb besides the obvious?" And in the 23 seconds it takes to deliver her already calculated response her brilliant smile would remain impenetrable, her eyes a shade browner, a shade more serious and her tone as pleasant as a summer breeze and almost sing the words "honey even superman had a mama". Her other most vital super power would be boldly present, yet, undetected as she uses it to melt every heart in her path.

I have recently become inspired to explore my own super powers and attempt to find a name that suits them. So far I came up with Stress Man, The Worrier and The Mortgage Man which only sounds appropriate when preceded by the question: why are we always so damn broke”?, which would be immediately followed by “why the hell do you think?” which could only be uttered by my fiance' and would perform the double duty of answering my stupid ass question and calling out my full superhero title for theatrical effect. Needless to say, I didn’t choose that one.
Then, I decided to be The Watcher. My powers would be to watch things, let them unfold, and most importantly just shut the f*** up and listen because I might actually learn some shit. But then I realized that "The Watcher” was already taken. So I decided to go with: Justshutthef***upandlistenbecauseyoumightactuallylearnsomeshit Man. Both my name and my super power were revealed to me the day I miraculously stopped repeatedly asking my self the question: How did I get here? The only things in the known universe that would be able to limit my “just” powers are birthdays, Christmases, Valentine's Days and 362 other days whose names escape me. During these days, all of the watching must be replaced with actions. These actions of course would be worthy of the super hero title. But as I mentioned before, this transformation takes time. In fact, I’m not sure if my transformation is quite done. In the mean time stay tuned for the next episode as well as my new Justshutthef***upandlistenbecauseyoumightactuallylearnsomeshit Man t-shirts. They will be ready just as soon as I can find a way to fit all of those words into a cool emblem. Merchandising is everything!