Dope at 40?

Dope- A word that describes something that is extremely cool, such as music, clothes, people, etc.
-The Urban Dictionary

A former lover in my thirties once offered me as a consolation prize for my unrequited love the following phrase: “you’re gonna’ be dope when your 40”. Well that day has come. Today I am officially 40 years of age. My birthday gift; a beautiful baby boy 5 days old and the responsibility of insuring that hope is an essential part of his and my daughter’s life for the rest of their days. Am I dope? Well I guess it depends on who you ask. My father once told me that he took 40 very hard. I suppose it was because he always wanted to be rich and famous. He was once an actor, singer and model. None of those things proved fruitful in his life and there is an unwritten rule somewhere that says in the quest to become rich and famous 40 is the cut off. On some level I understand his pain but presently I don’t feel it. To his credit, I share his passion for the arts but I am under the sobering realization that its primary purpose in my life is to keep me from going insane. Although fame and fortune would be welcome, I am a much bigger fan of time when it grants me permission to create uninterrupted by the realities of a practical life. It is in those rare occurrences that I truly feel dope.

Today I stared into the eyes of my son of 5 days. In his eyes there existed the wisdom of 5 eternities. Needless to say I was humbled to say the least. Today I am 40. Big fuckin’ deal! This is what his eyes say to me. In my heart and mind there is fear because I don’t want him to experience the same failures I have. What do I tell him when he meets his first bully? What advice do I give him when someone breaks his heart? But in the midst of my panic his eyes tell me that he has faith in me and that I will figure it out. Am I dope? It’s too early to tell I think. I am 40 and the journey has just begun. Whether I am dope or not remains to be seen. Swagger is a mere illusion.

One of the hardest things I have witnessed as an adult is the moment when my parents became real people. I believe that my parents were better at creating the parental illusion than I could ever hope to be. All I have ever known how to be is naked to the world. Is this dope? Or is being dope about the façade that so many have become experts at creating? I want my children to be genuine. Am I setting them up for failure in this life where the genuine are always victimized? Would it be better to just make them dope? I wonder.

I want my children to be warriors. I want my children to win. I want my children to be better than me. This is my truth and whether or not it is dope is of little concern. In my thirties being aloof was the seat of my charm. This no longer works for me. When I stare into the eyes of my son I realize now that being constantly aware of the world around me is the only way that I can ensure his safety. Am I dope? When I look at my daughter I see a brilliant but sensitive young woman who can do great things if I am a real presence in her life. Am I dope? My daughter continues to amaze me every time I am able to drop all of the futilities of adult life and give her my full attention. When I do this I am bombarded by nothing but brilliance. Am I dope? My son has a power that is beyond my comprehension. Although he cannot yet speak verbally he has communicated to me the essence of love and understanding since the first day I saw his beautiful face and cut his lifeline to comfort of the womb. If I was forced to define what dope is I would say that the embodiment of dopeness lies in his unwillingness to complain and face this life head on no matter what the consequences. I am truly inspired by his arrival. Am I dope? Who cares?!?

Honestly I don’t know what my former lover meant by that statement. Perhaps she foresaw a person that was more confident, self aware and introspective. Truthfully it doesn’t really matter. In the final analysis, we all have improvements that we must make. Being 40 does not make me the perfect man (just ask my fiance’). And although I am a better man now than I was then, what is most important is that in both cases I was a good man. Whether or not I am dope is purely subjective now. The only thing that matters now is that in the epic that is to be told about the generation to come I must do my part. Let the teller of the tales to come determine my dopeness.