It is now 5:58 A.M. and I am bright eyed, bushy tailed, and ready to begin the new day. The only issue is that I have not slept. I have spent most of my evening thinking about guns, the upcoming school year and a series of miscellaneous occurrences from my past respectively. Since sorting out this stuff is always so much fun, let’s begin.
Guns: I’m discovering now that since 40 is now within reach enough to give me a wedgy, mortality feels slightly more real. Never before have had I thought about security and safety in the wee hours of the morning as I have as of late. I must have run through at least 10 to 15 different scenarios tonight of what I would do in the event of a break in. I have always thought that the very presence of a gun is what brings violence in to ones life. Now I find myself wondering if it would be foolish not to have one (legally of course). I am becoming increasingly aware that I have a family and a home to protect. Lately this instinct to protect my family feels ten times more intense. I must admit that it feels slightly hypocritical because I know it is also attached to something materialistic, but it exists nevertheless. And the raw truth of the matter is that I have never been so driven to protect what is mine (i.e.: home, family) than at this moment in time.
School year (a.k.a job, a.k.a bread and butter, a.k.a my half of the mortgage):
Last year I pelted out quite a bit of ramblings about change. I am realizing with each passing day that there is always change to spare. I wonder if Mr. Obama really knew the weight of the word and what it would mean to the average citizen in this country when he uttered it so many times during his campaign. Its latest manifestation has appeared in the halls of my current work place in the form of a new principal. I’m not sure what this will mean accept that it probably won’t be comfortable. Change on many levels is making many of us uncomfortable. I suppose the fact that I’m not alone in this scenario is in its own ironic way…comforting.
Miscellaneous: The third head of the three headed beast that won’t allow me to sleep this morning comes in the form of bullies who got the best of me when I was a kid, former bosses who did the same and a host of one-liners that I wish I had said to old ex-girlfriends who escaped with slithers of my self-esteem which took years to replace. Currently I can’t think of any of those one-liners but I think that I am coming closer to the realization as the wedgy grip on my mortality tightens what happens now pretty much trumps all that shit. It is quite possible that the hand gripping that wedgy has nothing to do with my age. Maybe it’s all those memories that bring us closer to death. Maybe those embarrassing and shameful moments that we won’t let go grip us by our briefs and pull us back in time while the present stands there shrugging its shoulders wondering why we keep lagging behind.
It is quite possible that this new principal might remind me of a former boss…or maybe not. And in either scenario I won’t have to recreate the scene in the movie Lean on Me when the disgruntled teacher turned over a desk to avoid striking his principal crazy Joe Clark because I have a bona fide teaching license and can always find another job. It is also possible that the crime rate may drop to a respectable level at least on my block and I won’t have to become a gun toting masked vigilante. And maybe the next time my fiancé irritates me I’ll just let it go because I’ll realize that when my ex did it, she was just an evil bitch and my fiancé’ is not out to get me even though she might be getting on my nerves. I guess the lesson that my current delirium is trying to teach is that metaphorically or otherwise it’s not always wise to come out guns blazing especially in this illusion of decorum. There are times however, when moments of clarity do apply.
Wish me luck and good luck to all of you…all three of you. ;-)
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